Transitioning from Novelty to Normalcy in Your Relationship
The idea of a “spark” in your relationship is when the connection with your partner is novel, exciting, and unpredictable in its early stages. This feeling of excitement can slow down as the relationship matures, and if you have been in this relationship for an extended amount of time, you may notice that a state of normalcy has now set in. Although this transition is natural, it can often cause anxiety. It can make you question if you have lost the “spark” with your partner that you experienced when you first entered this relationship. It can also cause you to question if you are now bored with your partner, or if you even made the right decision in committing to this relationship. These thoughts can be overwhelming, but if this sounds familiar to you, slow down, take a breath and know this is normal. Feelings and questions like these are common in the transition to a long-term relationship, and it may simply take some self-reflection to relieve some of these anxieties.When navigating this transition, we should remind ourselves that even the healthiest relationships do not remain in a constant “high” or “low” of emotions and activity. Striving to maintain a connection with your partner that is continually thrilling and unpredictable is an unrealistic and unfair expectation to set for ourselves or our partners. Eventually, infatuation will turn into familiarity, and this is not a transition we need to try and avoid. Instead, remember that the majority of time spent in a healthy relationship is going to be very normal; without extreme highs or lows of emotion. This does not mean you have to settle for boredom; it simply leaves room to appreciate some of the subtle aspects of your relationship, rather than seeking constant stimulation.
Unfortunately, something that commonly occurs when a relationship makes a transition into a state of familiarity, is that one partner will try to fulfill the lack of stimulation with negative behavior. This can look like starting arguments or causing unnecessary drama between you and your partner in order to satisfy a need for excitement. Many times when this situation occurs, neither partner realizes exactly why these issues are arising because it is not always obvious that they are occurring in response to an unwanted transition to normalcy. One of the biggest sources of anxiety that accompanies this transition and causes some of these negative behaviors is a feeling of loss. This can mean loss of eagerness, stimulation, enthusiasm, effort, and many other qualities of a new relationship that are naturally subdued with time. Although we may see less of these aspects as our relationship matures, they are replaced with positive ones like comfort, stability, assurance, and the opportunity to foster a deep connection with your loved one.
Instead of reacting with negative responses, try incorporating some positive habits that will remind you of why you first entered this relationship and what you love and appreciate about your partner. Some helpful ideas to try are:
Starting a gratitude journal to appreciate the small, daily things that you enjoy about your relationship.
Set intentional time each day or once per week to spend together with your partner, even if it isn’t in person.
Seek out new activities and experiences with your partner that are not part of your usual weekly routine in order to experience a new and different environment with them.
Learning to be content with seasons of normalcy in your relationship can be difficult but remind yourself that it is ok for your relationship to not be as exciting as when it started. Recognize that you are now in a phase of comfort and familiarity with your partner, rather than a continuous rollercoaster of highs or lows and that now is a time to find contentment in this simplicity.
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